Hatboy

"WAAAAARGH Me Harties"

This is a little thing I posted on another blog a couple of years ago - my sole attempt at Warhammer 40,000 fanfiction.  It's too small to even be classed as a short story - at just four paragraphs, I've written longer text messages - but I record it here for posterity.


Me name is Rotbrek Terruck and I be an Ork hatboy. This izznt like being one of them pansy haburdishwasher, oh no, this be a job for real boyz wot make da best hatz! Just last week the boss came in and hit me over the head and said, Rotbrek, how comes that Bad Moon lad has a better hat than me wot is well bling and has a squig cage built into it to bite any lad wot tries to nick it? The ladz ain’t going to listen to me if that other boy has a bitey hat and I’ve just got some pointy thing which don’t poke anyone by itself..

Then he scooped up me teef wot he’d just knocked out and said I could ‘av’ ‘em back if I made him a better hat. So I went back to the drawing board and I came up with a hat what would be supported by wheels and could carry a bigger squig, coz that way no-one will trump him on the bitey stakes. When the first grot test-wore it, though, it crushed his back which was pretty funny coz he waddled about for a bit before dying. Then I went back back to the drawing board and put stronger legs on it. When the second grot test-wore it his back didn’t crush which wozn’t as funny but woz more what I woz looking for even if he did break the wall walking through the door. Then he tried to walk down the hill, the wheels whizzed him away and he crashed into the grot-tents and the squig got out and started having a right good go at the grots, which was so funny the Weirdboy exploded.

I went back back back to the drawing board and decided a bitey thing wozn’t thinking smart enough. So I made ‘im the shootiest hat wot an Ork has ever worn coz everyone knows shooty beats bitey. The boss was well chuffed when I gave it to ‘im ‘cauze now he doesn’t need to hold his big shoota in his hands coz its in his head so he can punch two boys and still dakka some stupid hummie. If he’s on one of them stupid snow planets his head is also dead warm, which is good coz you can’t think if your noggin is all cold. Ders a bit of recoil but the Dok is well chuffed cause he says the new bionic neck is well ‘ard and the boss thinks having a metal neck is good cause if some Grot tries to strangle you in yer sleep he gets electrocuted without ‘aving to stop nap. Plus the boss thinks his headbutts are better now cause there’s a gun on his head plus I painted the hat red and red wunz go fasta ,

But now I’m thinkin’ maybe it ain’t finished, coz a bionic neck means more metal bits I could plug into, and I reckon me and the Dok could get a wee stand on the back for a Snotty and he could be trained to point the gun…….